She Did This for Me

Are there such things as life debts? In the movie, Brokedown Palace (1999), Claire Danes’ character, Alice Moreno, takes the rap for close friend and soul sister, Darlene Davis, played by Kate Beckinsale, ending up serving a lifelong sentence in a Thai prison. What struck me as potentially interesting, is that there is ambiguity as to whether Moreno was actually guilty. When asked by Darlene whether she “did it,” Moreno responds only that it was “the right thing to do,” her setting Darlene free of a life encumbered by cockroaches and shared prison cells. “Be happy,” she entreats, “I need you to.” There are three possibilities: a random man they met by the poolside smuggled the drugs, Alice did it and owned up, or Darlene did it and Alice took the blame for her.

I tend to think that in the first and third cases, Darlene would have a karmic debt to repay, especially for the way she treated Alice during the course of their incarceration and trial. The Universe sees us all as exactly equal, so the fact that Darlene was sweet and sensitive, while Alice was bold, even wild, would not really count in the way we tend to think. The string of behaviors leading up to the event, however, with Alice daring Darlene to flaunt the rules and then landing them both in trouble, would have played a part. But the most important thing is whether Alice actually did it and why she took the rap for Darlene. If it was because she was, in fact, guilty and had a change of heart or a tug of conscience, we’d be inclined to think it really was the “right thing” and everything would have been square with her admission, maybe even not quite, with everything Darlene had to go through for her friend’s choice.

It’s interesting to consider what the knock-on effects might be in a future life, when the scales are balanced again. You’d never know if Alice and Darlene would be in a sibling rivalry, spousal inequality or another form of relationship that seemed like it was unbalanced, in the context of one life.


These Things I Like

Ever wondered why you have a particular affinity for things and places you’ve never been? It can be fascinating to find strong preferences and opinions about things that should be neutral for all intents and purposes. I knew I had a connection to places, languages and beliefs I have never been, more than my actual experiences, for instance. There was a natural fluidity to the way my tongue skimmed over the vowels and curved to the accent(s) in question. Quite apart from my penchant for languages, this felt natural, like it was “home” to me. I express my deepest sentiments and most vulnerable feelings—as well as my most eloquent phrasings!—in this language and accent. It was, or wasn’t, a surprise to learn that I’d had several past lives in the region, not that I’ve seen them as yet. Sometimes we get bits of our past during moments of deep peace, or spiritual connection, but other times it’s necessary to go to the location itself to unearth memories past. Interestingly, the last time I went, I had yet to be at a stage where such would have become available. Moments of deep trauma or intense feeling can also provoke such memories.

You don’t have to be clairvoyant to see bits of your past, under hypnosis, for instance, but the way and modality in which you sense extra sensory information is unique to you and your abilities. Some people smell a fragrance, others see vividly, while still others know or feel in their gut. Even two clairvoyants don’t “see” the same way, according to their experience and makeup.

This holds true for things we intensely dislike, as well. Often, strong dislikes of things without apparent reason or experience is due to past folly in that position. It’s almost a soul-deep loathing for what you once were and did, even when those experiences were necessary, and chosen, that often gets projected onto the repeating circumstances and people in your life. The situations you can’t run from, as it were. We can get stuck in karmic patterns for lifetimes, even, and this is actually more common than you might know. The way you tend to procrastinate; the grudges you hold; the places you go when upset; the sleight of hand with which deception is delivered. Anything that is a go-to pattern up to the point of addiction that keeps you mired in the exact situations you would extract yourself from, with different action. Patterns run deep, though, and many of us need “help” in making the necessary changes. It can even be traumatic to face up to the why and wherefore of something like that not working.


Turnabout Is Fair Play

There is almost a literal equivalence to being the doer and the done-to in karma across lifetimes. It isn’t always exactly the same, because what’s needed is the opportunity for growth, not punishment, unless a particular experience needs to be had. Nevertheless, it’s quite accurate to say that what you dish, you eventually deal with. Owing to the necessity of being both good and bad through time, it isn’t really a mistake so much as an evolutionary step. That said, the rules are quite literal in that there is no escape from who you were or what you did. We often think that people “get away with it” but that only seems true until they grow enough spiritually to be ready to repay their debts. The rate at which it occurs also has an effect: you can be accumulating karma for future lifetimes or you can be experiencing “instant karma” where things come back to you this lifetime, and quickly. If you’ve ever felt that you can’t get away with anything, this could be one reason why.

It’s a little like a bank account where you deposit savings and pay debts: you can choose to run a tab or you can pay for it now. It is often the almost-unconscious thoughts that run through our heads in the heat of the moment, that point a clue: “She couldn’t care less if I ceased living,” “He would watch me starve by the roadside,” and so on. You’d be surprised how many of these stress-induced rapid-fire quick association neural networks actually have their basis in actual past-life relationships and events. If you killed someone in a past life, there is often the feeling that “they don’t care if I live or die” now that burns to a quick when things get heated. We’ve all been victim and aggressor in times gone by: I’ve seen myself doing things that explain some of my present life situations—it’s usually a reversal of perspective that feels diametrically opposed without being literally identical. By that I mean, the same events don’t necessarily transpire, but the feeling and tone of the relationship and emotions involved, do.

If you are drawn to power-based dynamics, chances are you feel powerless now. If you were once violent and abusive, chances are you feel victimized now. And so on. What seems “cool” in the light of youth often burns asunder in the dark of night. The more people you hurt, the more there is to repay; it’s almost fortunate to not have been good at doing bad things!


Endings and Beginnings

Do we continue as we have been when faced with deep challenges? The scenery outside my window is the way it always has been; and I am surrounded by my favorite things. But I no longer feel that the energy is vibrant or my heart at ease with all that was once enough. Logically, I sought to complete, incrementally, what seemed a series of steps unto my desired result, but spiritually a different set of lessons had been unfolding. And now these were almost complete at my present location. I see now that the immense pressure pushed me into discovering for myself the necessity and beauty of mediumship and space clearing, as well as the importance of familiarizing myself with Earth rules—this last speaks to the nature of giving and receiving in individual karmic accounts as opposed to looking at the situation as a “whole” and seeing who has enough according to your beliefs about what is right. As I pondered the meaning of “the Universe is totally impartial—you reap exactly as you sow,” I began to realize I really was, indeed, from another world, in the soul sense. Because, for me, it was about ensuring equality across the board; saving the ones who seemed to have too little; and challenging those who seemed to have too much, too easily. But in doing so, I forgot my karma, and theirs, in that there is always a reason someone is in a given situation: for their learning and their growth.

It wasn’t until I realized that the ones I had been helping were really not as innocent as their “plight” had made it seem, nor did they have my back in the sense of loyalty I had once expected, and enjoyed, that I began to think about doing things differently. And then, the authority figures I had sought to take down, were really helping me by pushing my buttons—forcing me to confront that which hurt, because what I wanted was on the other side: there are those of us who receive what we need before we notice its absence, and those required to grow towards its gift. I often seek to prevent change, and maintain the status quo in my life, but I see now that there was nothing more I could have done. It usually takes a sizeable push to force me out of my comfort zone, for otherwise I would fix the situation, and stay where I was.

So if you find yourself facing inevitable change, and with it choices, this could be part of the reason.



I never expected, on the verge of an age milestone, that I would be also entering the initial stages of spiritual mastery. Where you see through time to discover the causes of fear, and ask before you act. More and more, it was no longer right for me to hold on to things and people that once served me, for fear that nothing new was on the horizon. I didn’t realize how much of my life was governed by this maxim, until the humor of the goddess of compassion, Kwan Yin, whose name in full Chinese script means “observing the cries of the world.” It was hilarious to learn that if I simply said, “there are new things” then a lot of my fears dropped away: I would no longer need to save appliances, preserve relationships and cling to beliefs that were no longer serving me.

You only change when it causes more suffering to stay the same.

This is often why we are forced out of a comfort zone.

In two short years, I had moved from everyday seeker to spiritual practitioner, but for the love that makes you grow. There is such a difference between love that keeps us small, clinging to our fears and insecurities, and the person that waits a higher level distance away, never too far, but forcing us to grow and be the best we can. Ostensibly under desperation, I learned the skills I never would have dared open, for that was the motivation I needed to open the door. And it was to my surprise to learn that space clearing is practical, and mediumship, beautiful.

Much more, that the Greek and Roman goddesses I had studied in classical literature were perhaps going to be coming through in the near future.

Brought to the depths of my own patterns, I saw that often what we dislike in the outer world is a reflection of the things we don’t like about ourselves. This applies across time, for the beliefs you hold today are the consequences of actions taken in past lifetimes. For instance, I had a fear of contamination that I never really understood. It was a specific kind. It was only when I saw myself burying people in dirt that I realized the exact sensations I didn’t like, were the ones I had probably inflicted.

When you see the worst of you, you also begin to see the best in you. As I saw the old-fashioned soldier brandishing a sword, I also saw the priestess holding a wand. The masculine energy of my past, and the Divine feminine energy, possibly of my future.

I had been bending the rules to ensure an outcome, trying to save the world without realizing that what had been meted out was fair. That I couldn’t keep helping the way I had been, because of the rules of karma. When you give more than you receive and allow it, the other person begins to owe you. And that debt has to be paid at some point in time. So it’s best to make sure there is an equal exchange.

We are on the verge of even more change, because it isn’t just about doing the same things in new ways. You cannot cling to the past, and expect to move forward. Nor accept gifts of the future while you hold to energies of the past.

Free yourself for the beauty that awaits.

Begin Again

Do you feel like an age has passed since the year began? I committed myself to a process of deep healing involving the Avalonian cycle, and boy has it been a ride. When I thought things couldn’t get worse, I found that, yes, indeed, they could. Such is the depth and severity of purification that seems to be involved in inspecting wounds not of this lifetime and preparing one for lightwork. It is one thing when you have complexes from childhood, but quite another when your soul remembers and your personality does not. I found that many of my issues simultaneously rose, and there was no escaping them; I found myself looking at the way I react to situations when what I love is on the line; I discovered that some feelings are beyond therapy or rationality, but that when placed in the same situations and energy as a past life, the pattern repeats. It can take a lot of effort to break the cycle. And success isn’t guaranteed when we are talking about higher levels of a lesson or breaking a habit for all time.

I found that, if anything, my knowledge of the mind limited me, in that I have go-to patterns of remedy that for me have ceased to have relevance, in really, a long time. Sometimes I think that ascension starts at the end of what we know about the psyche, and how much a human mind can take. I found that the lessons are tailored to your weaknesses, the fears your own. And that the gifts you have are to be used: whenever I have found time seem to be running out, I have found a deeper level of honesty; suddenly it didn’t seem too much to share, or to bear. I found that when you feel you can’t do the things you want, that is when you focus on the one set of things that really matters.

We always have the choice to leave our challenges, but as I see more and more, the “ordinary” people who became spiritual leaders—they chose to stay. I may not have had as many earth lives as they, but I’m at the point in my journey where the lessons are no longer about just being brave or doing what feels right to me personally; instead, they seem to be of the sort involving letting go of fears and beliefs despite all appearances to the contrary. And these are the things that have got me this far, that have given me reason to believe, for I thought they defined me. But somehow now, to actually get there, my own mind, no matter how brilliant, isn’t the higher mind; and my perspective, as justified as it can feel, isn’t the whole truth.

I have always been someone who liked to challenge authority, and stand up for underdogs, but the “fairness” I seek isn’t one we see within a lifetime. It is harder to let go of something you feel you need than to keep believing in something you have always wanted. When this last came around, I was at a point of transition between “daily life” and “higher awareness”; now I suppose I am between “higher awareness” and “higher frequency.” But those were changes I wanted to make, that I had always, secretly, desired. This feels like a loss of self, or perhaps ego. Faith before reward is a recurring theme in spirituality, and I realized that I can move forward fearlessly when I can see the certainty of the outcome. However, having the vision, without knowing the details, is a different story. Putting in the effort without knowing the result is a new mode for me.

We often have to throw away the old before we can have the new. But I think a lot of us were expecting 2017 to be a smooth blessing of new beginnings, when instead, the magnitude of the energy, along with growing awakening and sensitivity in some, has resulted in a seeming backlash of old issues and past patterns that, really, we thought we were beyond. And this is evident in more ways than one, personally and in some global events: you see the dirt beneath the surface before you can wipe it clean, and it looks worse than it once did for having been left that long to fester. You wonder how you will survive, and what will be left when you do; who you will be, when it is done. The road forward, no longer clear cut in its simplicity but guaranteed in faith, if certain steps are taken.

I found that I couldn’t go back to who I was, even if I had wanted, and a part of me knew this in the closing days of 2016, so I played with wild abandon in every way I could imagine. People often ask why, but divine timing is something that just happens when your soul is ready. Change can be an obvious blessing or a seeming obstacle, but it never leaves you the same. A lot of things I once enjoyed, and the company I would keep, no longer fill me with the same joy. I find myself knowing instantly if the other person is spiritual, and the length of time we spend is often determined by such; I find myself looking for people on the same path, who share my beliefs.

How has 2017 been for you?


Astral travel is an interesting phenomenon that can occur within almost any relaxed state of consciousness such as dreams, hypnosis, acupuncture, and meditation. There is the potential to visit many far-off places, including the astral plane and mystery schools, where you can learn numerous things. Returning to the body, however, is important, as it is entirely possible to have a variety of experiences and leave soul fragments in various lands and levels. While I know of people who can recover soul fragments, generally you want to be complete for physical health and optimal mental functioning; and one thing that really helps with this is setting the intention to return and putting out a request to your guardian angels and guides for protection and safety.

I find it is important to have enough things you love and care about to return to, so that you have a balance of ethereal wonder and real-life action. It really is spectacular transitioning from one to the other and feeling whole, complete and balanced. Sometimes you can take bits and pieces of knowledge and wisdom with you into the waking world, such as dream fragments, but it is never the whole experience. After all, part of what it means to be human is foregoing absolute certainty for the chance to learn and make mistakes. From the experience of daring and doing, erring and improving, we learn so much more.

You could say being human is a prized learning experience for the soul.

Of all the other places you could incarnate—and there are many—this one uniquely offers pain and emotion, karma and reincarnation, limitation and forgetting. So ironically, trying to be complete or logically rigorous often limits you to a smaller picture.

It is the acceptance of a limited perspective that opens vistas and shows you all you can know in this moment.

I was told, “The logical mind is not what takes you to the lap of God,” but it was only when I began to relinquish my own expectations about how things should work, that my readings began to change. Where I would be confined to a single card and studiously examine picture and word for information, I would miss the overall flow of the spread, and the intuitive knowing that would come once I allowed myself to see it.

Another thing I noticed with oracle card readings is that the timeline can vary anywhere from 3–6 months on average. This has to do with there being no concept of time in the spirit realm. Time and space, like free will and choice, are also unique to the earth plane.

So in striving for everything that seems best, we often miss out on the opportunity right in front of us.

It is a matter of context.

How many lives have you lived in other places? In other dimensions? What you will find is when you can fully embrace it, this life is exactly what you need it to be, in every way. For soul learning, for variety, for balance. Sometimes the things you want most are things you have done before, sometimes not yet.

There is time. 😉