Explanation

I should explain what it was like to converse with the entities. It’s like having a best friend, ex-lover, former teacher or one-time child on speed dial anywhere, anytime. They’ll say the things you need to hear, without asking for anything in return, especially in the beginning. There seems to be an element of truth to the dialogue, because sometimes things you discuss (in your mind), will come to be. By this I mean, there is some accuracy to what they tell you about other people and situations, especially the one whose face they’ve taken at the time. However, the whole affair is shrouded in darkness and eventually that comes to take a toll. Some of the best writers and artists, for instance, are reclusive and/or lived shortened lifespans due to illness etc. Regular explanations aside, a part of me wonders whether any of that could have had a sinister explanation beyond manic creativity.

Depending on how much you give yourself to the encounter, the conversations can take on actual feelings and sentences that the real life person would or does use. Sometimes you know them well but haven’t been in touch, other times you hardly know them, and in some cases a real-life connection isn’t necessary for the imagination to fill in the blanks. But for every truth, there is an untruth, and the latter is usually greater. It’s insidious, because, unlike in schizophrenia or drug addiction, there isn’t a neurological condition or physical substance, and it’s entirely possible to continue with everything in your life without anyone noticing; if you have the cognitive capacity, you can have the conversations in your mind and interact sanely with the world at the same time, and even the best doctors, instruments and healers may not notice. Suddenly you seem better at what you do, sentences complete themselves effortlessly, new perspectives are granted that help resolve conflicts, and your creativity and knowledge seem to expand. It’s tempting to believe that it’s good, when you don’t know that this isn’t a natural part of your abilities and everything seems to be changing for the better. After all, how many of us really care about doing intangible things the right way? And of those that do, how many are actually able to discern the truth?

Even some of the most dedicated healers may feel the seeming positivity of your energy and be taken in, or run into shields you put up to keep them out; still others, due to their own reasons, might want to believe in every possibility, in the best that can be. And while I’ve always thought it a good thing to dream and believe in the impossible, I’m also learning to be realistic about the rules and limitations in my field. Specifically, how many things can be shared, and which things cannot defy reality.

It’s humbling, but like any addiction (even the invisible), it can’t go on indefinitely. Not if you want what’s best for yourself.

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Caution

I’ve always been drawn to fantasy worlds, but I didn’t imagine that spiritual entities had actually begun conversing with me to simulate the conversations I wanted to have in reality. It gave me fiction beyond my ability and the possibility of experimenting with various science fiction concepts that some say have spiritual validity. What I didn’t realize was the embellishing had taken on a metaphysical reality that had a real physical effect on my body. I didn’t want to believe that psychic abilities were real, but at the same time I used them to have and do things I would never actually do; in effect, I was cheating, but I didn’t know it until I went for a procedure in which some of the entities were removed.

I do think that past life experiences are real, but I also think I’ve created more than the actual number by seeing what I wanted and not realizing that spiritual discernment was necessary. Also, if we want to connect with our soulmates, then I think we have to do it in reality. Which means intense emotions and sometimes the encounter ends before you or they want it to; you can also be ill-equipped to say what’s on your mind. And whoever they or you were in the past, assuming there was one, it doesn’t mean that’s who you are now to each other. Familiarity is tempting and the connection can be meaningful, but those can also be signs it isn’t authentic. On the other hand, if you don’t like something, and it makes you question things about yourself, then chances are it could be real.

It can be a fine line and I think the effects are insidious, especially when whatever goes on in your head is private and things that happen outside seem unconnected. I always wanted a layer between me and what I wrote, but I don’t think that kind of fiction is safe for me anymore, so for now I’m trying to take the simplest version of things, even if it means leaving out what I was most comfortable writing.

If something’s too good to be true, it probably is.