Begin Again

Do you feel like an age has passed since the year began? I committed myself to a process of deep healing involving the Avalonian cycle, and boy has it been a ride. When I thought things couldn’t get worse, I found that, yes, indeed, they could. Such is the depth and severity of purification that seems to be involved in inspecting wounds not of this lifetime and preparing one for lightwork. It is one thing when you have complexes from childhood, but quite another when your soul remembers and your personality does not. I found that many of my issues simultaneously rose, and there was no escaping them; I found myself looking at the way I react to situations when what I love is on the line; I discovered that some feelings are beyond therapy or rationality, but that when placed in the same situations and energy as a past life, the pattern repeats. It can take a lot of effort to break the cycle. And success isn’t guaranteed when we are talking about higher levels of a lesson or breaking a habit for all time.

I found that, if anything, my knowledge of the mind limited me, in that I have go-to patterns of remedy that for me have ceased to have relevance, in really, a long time. Sometimes I think that ascension starts at the end of what we know about the psyche, and how much a human mind can take. I found that the lessons are tailored to your weaknesses, the fears your own. And that the gifts you have are to be used: whenever I have found time seem to be running out, I have found a deeper level of honesty; suddenly it didn’t seem too much to share, or to bear. I found that when you feel you can’t do the things you want, that is when you focus on the one set of things that really matters.

We always have the choice to leave our challenges, but as I see more and more, the “ordinary” people who became spiritual leaders—they chose to stay. I may not have had as many earth lives as they, but I’m at the point in my journey where the lessons are no longer about just being brave or doing what feels right to me personally; instead, they seem to be of the sort involving letting go of fears and beliefs despite all appearances to the contrary. And these are the things that have got me this far, that have given me reason to believe, for I thought they defined me. But somehow now, to actually get there, my own mind, no matter how brilliant, isn’t the higher mind; and my perspective, as justified as it can feel, isn’t the whole truth.

I have always been someone who liked to challenge authority, and stand up for underdogs, but the “fairness” I seek isn’t one we see within a lifetime. It is harder to let go of something you feel you need than to keep believing in something you have always wanted. When this last came around, I was at a point of transition between “daily life” and “higher awareness”; now I suppose I am between “higher awareness” and “higher frequency.” But those were changes I wanted to make, that I had always, secretly, desired. This feels like a loss of self, or perhaps ego. Faith before reward is a recurring theme in spirituality, and I realized that I can move forward fearlessly when I can see the certainty of the outcome. However, having the vision, without knowing the details, is a different story. Putting in the effort without knowing the result is a new mode for me.

We often have to throw away the old before we can have the new. But I think a lot of us were expecting 2017 to be a smooth blessing of new beginnings, when instead, the magnitude of the energy, along with growing awakening and sensitivity in some, has resulted in a seeming backlash of old issues and past patterns that, really, we thought we were beyond. And this is evident in more ways than one, personally and in some global events: you see the dirt beneath the surface before you can wipe it clean, and it looks worse than it once did for having been left that long to fester. You wonder how you will survive, and what will be left when you do; who you will be, when it is done. The road forward, no longer clear cut in its simplicity but guaranteed in faith, if certain steps are taken.

I found that I couldn’t go back to who I was, even if I had wanted, and a part of me knew this in the closing days of 2016, so I played with wild abandon in every way I could imagine. People often ask why, but divine timing is something that just happens when your soul is ready. Change can be an obvious blessing or a seeming obstacle, but it never leaves you the same. A lot of things I once enjoyed, and the company I would keep, no longer fill me with the same joy. I find myself knowing instantly if the other person is spiritual, and the length of time we spend is often determined by such; I find myself looking for people on the same path, who share my beliefs.

How has 2017 been for you?