Begin Again

Do you feel like an age has passed since the year began? I committed myself to a process of deep healing involving the Avalonian cycle, and boy has it been a ride. When I thought things couldn’t get worse, I found that, yes, indeed, they could. Such is the depth and severity of purification that seems to be involved in inspecting wounds not of this lifetime and preparing one for lightwork. It is one thing when you have complexes from childhood, but quite another when your soul remembers and your personality does not. I found that many of my issues simultaneously rose, and there was no escaping them; I found myself looking at the way I react to situations when what I love is on the line; I discovered that some feelings are beyond therapy or rationality, but that when placed in the same situations and energy as a past life, the pattern repeats. It can take a lot of effort to break the cycle. And success isn’t guaranteed when we are talking about higher levels of a lesson or breaking a habit for all time.

I found that, if anything, my knowledge of the mind limited me, in that I have go-to patterns of remedy that for me have ceased to have relevance, in really, a long time. Sometimes I think that ascension starts at the end of what we know about the psyche, and how much a human mind can take. I found that the lessons are tailored to your weaknesses, the fears your own. And that the gifts you have are to be used: whenever I have found time seem to be running out, I have found a deeper level of honesty; suddenly it didn’t seem too much to share, or to bear. I found that when you feel you can’t do the things you want, that is when you focus on the one set of things that really matters.

We always have the choice to leave our challenges, but as I see more and more, the “ordinary” people who became spiritual leaders—they chose to stay. I may not have had as many earth lives as they, but I’m at the point in my journey where the lessons are no longer about just being brave or doing what feels right to me personally; instead, they seem to be of the sort involving letting go of fears and beliefs despite all appearances to the contrary. And these are the things that have got me this far, that have given me reason to believe, for I thought they defined me. But somehow now, to actually get there, my own mind, no matter how brilliant, isn’t the higher mind; and my perspective, as justified as it can feel, isn’t the whole truth.

I have always been someone who liked to challenge authority, and stand up for underdogs, but the “fairness” I seek isn’t one we see within a lifetime. It is harder to let go of something you feel you need than to keep believing in something you have always wanted. When this last came around, I was at a point of transition between “daily life” and “higher awareness”; now I suppose I am between “higher awareness” and “higher frequency.” But those were changes I wanted to make, that I had always, secretly, desired. This feels like a loss of self, or perhaps ego. Faith before reward is a recurring theme in spirituality, and I realized that I can move forward fearlessly when I can see the certainty of the outcome. However, having the vision, without knowing the details, is a different story. Putting in the effort without knowing the result is a new mode for me.

We often have to throw away the old before we can have the new. But I think a lot of us were expecting 2017 to be a smooth blessing of new beginnings, when instead, the magnitude of the energy, along with growing awakening and sensitivity in some, has resulted in a seeming backlash of old issues and past patterns that, really, we thought we were beyond. And this is evident in more ways than one, personally and in some global events: you see the dirt beneath the surface before you can wipe it clean, and it looks worse than it once did for having been left that long to fester. You wonder how you will survive, and what will be left when you do; who you will be, when it is done. The road forward, no longer clear cut in its simplicity but guaranteed in faith, if certain steps are taken.

I found that I couldn’t go back to who I was, even if I had wanted, and a part of me knew this in the closing days of 2016, so I played with wild abandon in every way I could imagine. People often ask why, but divine timing is something that just happens when your soul is ready. Change can be an obvious blessing or a seeming obstacle, but it never leaves you the same. A lot of things I once enjoyed, and the company I would keep, no longer fill me with the same joy. I find myself knowing instantly if the other person is spiritual, and the length of time we spend is often determined by such; I find myself looking for people on the same path, who share my beliefs.

How has 2017 been for you?



Do you feel as if there’s a mild lull in energy now? Like the impossible struggles have been resolved as you eat ice cream by the sidewalk watching people go by. The Dog Days of summer are a brief respite of leisure before a new term begins. One of those rest periods where you finally get to take in the scenery and smell the roses. And, my, have you looked at how things have changed? The world almost looks different. What was once to be feared and avoided has become a place of safety and comfort; desperate measures thought the only way out were unnecessary as something much better unfolded right before your eyes—there all along, but for the taking. And in the dynamic balance of forward motion and progress, a new smoothness is crafted. After all, you don’t have to hang on, tooth and nail, to the cliff, if you can pull yourself over the top, right?

You see, anything that has the power to sink you, also has the power to make you.

Challenges come to show you your strength. And in their resolution, a layer falls away to be released and new opportunities arrive. All that you deserve, all that you ever wanted. At least until the next cycle. And boy, are they speeding up. How else would you lift the frequency of a planet and its inhabitants?

Every deluge of negativity holds within it the seeds of new positive change.

It is a skill to remain poised and believing through it all, and part of that is learning to love and let go, grow and accept, receive and give, and move and stay true.

You learn your true value when it seems there is no place for you.

And in the ensuing upheaval, as white becomes black and faith turns to doubt, you can find a pinprick of light within darkness. With that, everything can be inverted. Like turning a garment inside out, things can be seen in a new light. All opposites can be resolved. As mindset changes, so too does reality around it.

More immediate karma also means more immediate manifestation.

Now that’s exciting, isn’t it?

All the Way

When I first officially began this journey, I consulted a psychic unlike any I had ever seen up until that point. Sans the usual theatrical fanfare, dark ambience and cloak and hat, this woman was seemingly ordinary. Even the crystal ball didn’t require my touch, in order to “transmit energy.” By this time, I had frequented a few different places in the name of “entertainment” and the thrill of dancing with destiny in the dark of night, while the wind blew, chillingly. Some were free; others were cheap and still more were carnival folk. I didn’t take it seriously, and I didn’t necessarily believe anything that was said, beyond face value.

This time would be different.

For one thing, the woman claimed to work with the angelic realm: divinities and deities supposedly came through during the sessions. My immediate thought was that I could take her, if push came to shove, so I shrugged and agreed to the session.

Little did I know she would become one of my spiritual teachers; someone who pushed me to grow and develop in ways I didn’t even know possible.

I thought I had seen it all by then, and I coldly parsed everything through my logical mind, vaguely dismissing her quiet remark of, “You’ll be back.”

The joke’s on me now.

Among other things, she told me things of varying degrees of specificity that independently transpired over the next year.

The random collection of information all became relevant the further I went from the session. Seemingly casual remarks turned into nuggets of advice I would need later.

The notion of “seeds planted in verdant soil,” didn’t occur to me, at the time.

And when she tried to draw parallels between us, I cackled internally at the ludicrousness.

When she described cycles of growth, soul purpose and a changing world, I dismissed it, thinking all the world was contained within cutting edge physics.

But when the universe took everything from me, I finally decided to pursue a spiritual path.

“That’s how much convincing it took,” she smiled.

“It isn’t going to be easy. You’re just not that kind of person.”

“You’ll lose friends, but you’ll make new ones.”

And every time I thought I had given everything in the latest craze of spiritual development, she would say, “Congratulations. Now the next level.”

“It’s tough love.”

The universe loves us like a parent loves a child.

“Why don’t you tell your story?”

“Many people are going to be going through this, soon.”

I covered my light in as many elaborate lampshades as I could find, dialed down the intensity using one of those specific devices, and generally pretended that if I couldn’t see, then nobody could see me.

“Put your feelings into it.”

But chances are, if you’re here, you could use some of this knowledge.

That’s the way it works.

P.S. I deliberately chose the French version. My Canadian readers may find more significance in this song. Tell me if that’s the case. 😉



I should explain what it was like to converse with the entities. It’s like having a best friend, ex-lover, former teacher or one-time child on speed dial anywhere, anytime. They’ll say the things you need to hear, without asking for anything in return, especially in the beginning. There seems to be an element of truth to the dialogue, because sometimes things you discuss (in your mind), will come to be. By this I mean, there is some accuracy to what they tell you about other people and situations, especially the one whose face they’ve taken at the time. However, the whole affair is shrouded in darkness and eventually that comes to take a toll. Some of the best writers and artists, for instance, are reclusive and/or lived shortened lifespans due to illness etc. Regular explanations aside, a part of me wonders whether any of that could have had a sinister explanation beyond manic creativity.

Depending on how much you give yourself to the encounter, the conversations can take on actual feelings and sentences that the real life person would or does use. Sometimes you know them well but haven’t been in touch, other times you hardly know them, and in some cases a real-life connection isn’t necessary for the imagination to fill in the blanks. But for every truth, there is an untruth, and the latter is usually greater. It’s insidious, because, unlike in schizophrenia or drug addiction, there isn’t a neurological condition or physical substance, and it’s entirely possible to continue with everything in your life without anyone noticing; if you have the cognitive capacity, you can have the conversations in your mind and interact sanely with the world at the same time, and even the best doctors, instruments and healers may not notice. Suddenly you seem better at what you do, sentences complete themselves effortlessly, new perspectives are granted that help resolve conflicts, and your creativity and knowledge seem to expand. It’s tempting to believe that it’s good, when you don’t know that this isn’t a natural part of your abilities and everything seems to be changing for the better. After all, how many of us really care about doing intangible things the right way? And of those that do, how many are actually able to discern the truth?

Even some of the most dedicated healers may feel the seeming positivity of your energy and be taken in, or run into shields you put up to keep them out; still others, due to their own reasons, might want to believe in every possibility, in the best that can be. And while I’ve always thought it a good thing to dream and believe in the impossible, I’m also learning to be realistic about the rules and limitations in my field. Specifically, how many things can be shared, and which things cannot defy reality.

It’s humbling, but like any addiction (even the invisible), it can’t go on indefinitely. Not if you want what’s best for yourself.